The Lib Dems.  What are they for?

I bet you have been as glued to the BBC Parliament coverage of the Lib Dem conference in Bournemouth as I have. Yes, I haven’t watched a minute. And why would I?

Did you click on Mr Spaceman?

I have spent years trying to work this one out: just what is the point of the Lib Dems? Now I just don’t bother.

I can see why voters may be attracted to their surface messages of freedom, liberty, equality of opportunity, etc. But when it comes to the groundwar of an election campaign, it becomes abundantly clear that their ilk will do almost anything to get elected. What this means is that they will attack incumbents or challengers from whatever angle they appear most vulnerable, even if the party activists propagating the bile and misinformation happen to live in neighbouring wards or constituencies.

So I had mixed feelings when I cam across this story in The Times about the party hierarchy orchestrating a campaign to stop Lembit Opik winning their party’s presidency.

‘Nick Clegg’s closest allies have agreed to mount a high-risk “stop Lembit Öpik” campaign to prevent him from being elected to a key party role this autumn.
Mr Öpik, the party’s housing spokesman, has confirmed that he wants to stand again for Liberal Democrat president, a critical position in the party’s administrative structure.

A succession of senior figures around Mr Clegg, including Vince Cable, Danny Alexander and Chris Huhne, plan to come out after the conference in support of Mr Öpik’s main opponent, Baroness Scott of Needham Market, former leader of Suffolk County Council. Privately they say that they are determined to stop Mr Öpik.

Mr Öpik’s eccentric obsessions on subjects such as asteroids, love of TV appearances and very public failed relationships with the weather forecaster Sian Lloyd and Gabriela Irimia, one half of the Cheeky Girls, have embarrassed the party’s high command.’

It seems that now they have a whiff of real power – they are betting that Cameron won’t have an overall majority after the next election – they are trying to preserve the national party image.

Columnist Ann Treneman details her hilarious encounter with the man that Clegg would rather see shot into space than be given control of his party’s machinery (if not its policy):

‘Nick Clegg was scheduled to meet a bunch of vegetables yesterday and, well, I felt I had to be there. But, as I tried to leave the Bournemouth conference centre to see the great kitchen encounter I ran into a strange man on a strange machine.
“Hello!” cried Lembit Öpik (for it is the name of one of his favourite magazines), his goofy grin splitting across his long, thin face high above us, his body gyrating gently, his feet standing on a giant wheeled object.

“Are you OK?” I asked, for it is another magazine that he loves and, indeed, he has appeared on its cover with his Cheeky Girl fiancée Gabriela, whose big hit was Touch My Bum. Then I remembered that she had dumped him over the summer, which would explain why he is now desperately seeking publicity by hanging around the media centre on a weird machine that looked part lawnmower, part motorised trolley.

“It’s my Segway personal transporter,” he cried, absolutely thrilled to be the centre of attention for three photographers. Lembit then explained, his voice a little too loud, that the Segway was illegal in Britain and he was campaigning to change that. “I am breaking the law just being here,” he said. “But I don’t care.” He then went into what appeared to be a comedy routine. “I told the police it’s Segways or Strangeways for me,” he cried, allowing himself a little whoop at his own brilliance. “It’s prison bars if I can’t be behind handle-bars!”

Oh dear.’

What’s the point of the Lib Dems? I’m still none the wiser. Perhaps I should just wait around until I am hit by an asteroid. Best call Opik.

Or maybe not. This is a clip of the turn he does at Central Hall in Westminster every year. Here I save you the bother of the trip.